Here we are

Reflections on May and doctor's orders

June is here. My favourite month, not only because it holds my birthday, but also because it still brings me the feeling of freedom. It comes from my school days when June meant that the summer holiday is approaching. In Poland, where I grew up, the school started on the 1st of September and ended on the third Friday of June. But this last three weeks were quite easy, the grades were already decided and there was no homework. It was a joyous time for me, as I’ve never liked school. From the very first day of it, when I was seven, till the very end.

Our back garden in May

I’m in the middle of my holiday and as much as I would want to spend all my days in the garden, I was mostly at my desk till now, working on a freelance assignment. The weather was perfect for it, so you won’t hear me complaining. Also, as much as I needed holiday from my library job, I don’t mind doing some freelance work right now.

May was not the greatest of months. My anxiety levels are so high that my breathing has become shallow and my immune system is not working very well. My body is aching and I’m not enjoying it at all.

I’m still not better and according to the doctors I shouldn’t expect it, until I’ll seriously get back to all the things which bring me joy, but also those that are challenging. Not doing all of that is the biggest cause of the anxiety levels being sky high. Our brain has a weird way of telling us what we need, don’t you think?

As I needed some good distraction I’ve decided to read one book a day for the whole month of May. I was hoping that focusing only on reading and work would help, but it turns out it is not that easy. Just like being off work has not made my anxiety go away. I guess the doctors are right and I need to start challenging myself and stop running away from it.

Reading a lot was calming, as I was focused on the story and not the pressure I feel in my chest, but it is not a long term sollution, unfortunately. Also it turns out that when you also have a job (and a garden) you can’t read anything you want, if you want to get throug thirty one books in one month. And focusing mainly on shorter reads and being forced to choose my books wisely is not something I really enjoy. I like to choose my next read on a whim, look at the titels of books laying around and sitting on my e-shelves and choose the one that is calling to me that day. This is also the reason why I’m a multiple books at the same time reader, because I can start a book one day, but the next something else will be calling to me from one of the piles.

I’ve read 33 books, with a total of 6577 pages and average book lenght of 190 pages.

Some books were as short as seventy pages, some were three hundred, but most were between hundred twenty and hundred fifty pages. I’ve enjoyed some very much, the others a bit less and if I wasn’t trying to read this much I would have abandoned them.

What I know for sure now, is that reading a lot is good for me and I’m planning to continue doing so. Also, I need to get back to writing, blogging and translating. Those are the things I love to do and which bring me joy, but also these exact things scare the crap out of me. So here we are, the fun and challenge the doctors are talking about, all in one.

P.S. My writing feels clunky, but I’m sending it anyway as per doctor’s orders.