In need of change

or seeking a way out of the in-betweenness

I find myself doomscrolling a lot lately. I even know why, but it still isn’t helping. It only makes me feel even worse about myself and my life. It’s not all bad, I’m in a happy and loving relationship and my husband supports me not matter what, but there’s this part where I wish I was living a different life, some place else. I still think I would take my husband with me, wherever this may be, though.

I’m looking at the pictures, scrolling from one great life to another, with some complaints about social media and algorithms in between and I ask myself, what is it that people really want to see. Because there’s a lot of complaining about how unrealistic social media world is and at the same time, it’s the success and pretty life stories that get the most attention. Are people really interested in the less pretty side of life? Do they want to hear how it is when not everything goes like you wish it would? Or maybe they want to hear it only afterwards, when you’ve reached whatever you’ve set out to become, have or do, because than it is not painful, it can’t make them stop and reflect on life as it is?

Hiking in Kings Canyon National Park, October 2017

I’m tired of wanting something and not getting there, because my fears and watching other people getting exactly what I wanted. I know that scrolling instafeed is not helping, but I’m in this phase where I’m kind of numb, where I can’t move in any direction.

My job is a shitshow. When I was changing positions I was hoping for more fulfilment, more feeling of having direction and it was so at the beginning, but then a colleague, who was highly responsible (in a good way) for me choosing this position, left for another job and I was left with someone who doubts my every move and every single idea I have. I’m actually thinking of taking a step back and going back to working at the branch and helping people at the front desk. A job that leaves me tired after four hours, but maybe I could find peace of mind there and more room to do all the things I actually want to do.

I don’t want a career at the library anyway, I want to do things which give me energy, which make me feel excited about them, even though they’re not easy. I want to be creative on daily basis, I want to be doing things which make me want to get out of bed in the morning. And I know that even then there will be the things and days that are tedious and will make me swear a lot, but as long the energy is there I can deal with those too.

Maybe taking a step back will allow me to find the joys somewhere else as everything I’d be doing at the library would be constraint by the branch I work at. I wouldn’t be able to take my work home and in the quiet hours I would be able to mull over the work I do outside of it. It’s not an easy decision as it comes with less pay and my salary already isn’t that great. But it may be worth it to earn less and be able to work on things which lift me up and maybe even earn some money on the side.

So here I am, trying to figure it all out and scrolling social media feeds along the way. I need to make a decision soon. Any decision will be better that this state of doom.