Making space

My mind can get crowded with other people's lives

I need space to let my own thoughts, ideas and passions take presence. To show up undisturbed by other people’s lives, by their way of doing things. I need space to become myself again, unfased by what others do, a space to do my thing without asking myself contantly if it makes sense.

I thought that I was fine, that I didn’t compare myself to others. And I didn’t in the simple meaning of comparison, but it did stop me from doing the things I want to do, because there are so many people out there who can do this better, who are doing it already and who am I to get out there and do that too.

It may be time to read this book properly.

My first step in making space for myself, was to delete Instagram from my phone and log out from it on my computer. If there is a place where I feel worse about myself and my ability to become who I want to be, it’s definitely this little app. I don’t want to demonize it, it’s just that I’m prone to evaluate my own life through the lives of others, in particular the people who already have the life I want to live.

Also I was tired of few other things on the app, the reels, the always present music (even with pictures!), the complaining about algorythm and talking about pleasing it (which is impossible and I thought that everyone knew that already). And there was the mindless scrolling (doom scrolling I think is what Austin Kleon calls is), even when there was nothing new or interesting to see.

It’s not an easy break up, my mind is constantly going to the app and what might be going on on there. My hands reach for my phone in any idle moment and my thumb hovers above the place where the pink icon was just a bit more than a week ago. It says so much about my unhealthy relationship with this little app.

And just a day after I deleted the app, I’ve read this:

Life as a recovering Instagram addict

and I realised how many of Molly’s experiences with the app where my own and it started to make even more sense.

I’m not sure yet where it all lead, but I hope to a place where my thoughts and passions can be present, where I can be fully myself.