Morning Stories: Finding the culprit
Bodies, minds and how everything is connected
Today was supposed to be my last day in the library’s front office (I’m staying at the library, but I’ll be doing other things now), but I’m still recovering and I’m staying at home. I’ll be back at work tomorrow, but working from home the whole week and then will see how it goes. The pain is less strong, almost gone, but I’m not sure what will happen when I’m back at work, because it seems, that it is caused by stress as all the tests came with nothing.
I’m convinced that, when it comes to stress, it’s never just one thing, but I also know that it has something to do with work. Work itself is not extremely stressful (although I can make anything just that if I want to), but it keeps my mind occupied and with that keeps me away from the things I really want to do. My work is not my passion, not what I truly want to do. It’s a job, I do it for the money.
Today I woke up with a thought: Is not trying at all worse than failing? If I never give everything I can to the things I want to do, will my body keep telling me that something is wrong? Is failing really that bad? At least I can say that I’ve tried and that I gave it my best, this may be the way to being calm and content. Maybe not trying at all is what is bothering me? Funny, I’ve never been afraid of failure, and I don’t think I am now, I think it’s the fear of rejection that is often keeping me from trying. And the most interesting thing is, it’s not the professional rejection that is scaring me. It’s the personal one. It shouldn’t even come into consideration here, but it does, because I have it ingrained in me that if I fail at something, someone close to me will reject me for it, one way or another.
We are complicated beings, especially on the emotional level. Our bodies react to our minds, our thoughts react to our emotions, which in turn often are a reaction to our earlier experiences and sometimes are not even connected to what is happening in the presence.
Oof. I may have just found the culprit. Thank you for letting me figure it out here.
Have a good Sunday.