I was walking up the stairs thinking what am I going to write today. There’s so much going on in my head, but I’m not sure if this is the place for these thoughts. I’m sat at my desk for some time now while the sun is finding it’s way into my attic room and blinding my left eye. The thoughts are here, but my fingers don’t really want to type them out.
But let me try.
I’m not writing. This, these Morning Stories, is the only thing I’m able to stick to at the moment (and only beacuse I don’t want to give up on the same idea twice). I want to say that it’s the new job, but I think I’d be lying to you, and to myself. It’s easy to find the fault somewhere else, outside factor that is keeping me from pursuing the most important thing, the biggest and longest lasting dream I’ve ever had.
The truth is, I’m the only factor that can keep me away from it. I’m the only thing that’s standing between me and the life of my dreams. And I promised myself that this time I’d really try. That I’d give it my best effort, that I wouldn’t give up this time. That I’d keep going until there’s nowhere to go anymore.
And then I stopped. Just like that. I convinced myself that it wasn’t for me. That I’m not a writer, not a proper one at least. That I’m not good enough, not creative enough, that I don’t have enough ideas to write about. I convinced myself that I shouldn’t bother, that it doesn’t make sense, because I will never become who I want to be. That this is not my path.
But I keep coming back. I keep trying here and there. I keep writing these morning stories. I keep opening my notebook and staring at the page. I keep thinking about it and my whole body wants me to do it, to keep going, to keep fighting for the life, for everything I dream of.
So I make the promise again. I’ll keep trying. I’ll keep coming back and putting words on the page. I’ll keep doubting myself and write anyway. I’ll keep looking for the path that will lead me to the life I want to be living. I’ll keep putting one foot in front of the other, or rather one word after the other. I’ll keep going until there’s nowhere to go anymore.