The way to the place where I want to be
Looking for a hammer, frustration and the life I want to live
I’m building a life here. But also I’m not. I want to be somewhere else than I am now, but I stop myself regularly from getting the chances, that could get me there. Most of those things are new to me and it’s the fear of not knowing what I’m doing that keeps me from reaching for them. It’s the childhood narrative of “do it right, or don’t do it at all.”
Sure, sometimes, often even, the interesting things are unreachable to me, because I lack the experience. You know how this goes, “we’re looking for someone young, straight from college (so we can pay you less) and with at least three years of experience in the similar role.” I ask myself where people get the necessary experience to answer the job ads? How do you start? Where are the chances for people who are just beginning?
And on the other side, there’s me. Telling myself that I can’t do something, because I will probably make mistakes, because I wouldn’t know what I’m doing. It’s not perfectionism, it’s the fear of disappointing people who gave the chance to try something new. And there are not many of them, so I don’t want to make them regret their decision. And what’s the easiest way to do this? Not to take on the challenge and regret it for the years to come.
That’s how I end up in jobs I’ve done before and left, because I didn’t want to be doing them any more. Over and over again. But it’s the easy way. It’s the place I recognise and a trick I could do with my eyes closed. I’m good at this job, but it’s also frustrating to feel that I’m still getting back to the same place, instead of moving forward towards the life I want to build.
Sometimes I think that there’s no space for me there. That I want too much. That I should be happy with what is, with where I am. But I’m not, although I’m mainly not happy with myself. I’ve wanted this life for so many years now and I’m still nowhere closer to getting there than when I realised that this is it. I’ll be turning 45 this year and I ask myself if I still should be fighting for it, if I didn’t miss my chance.
If it would be you, asking these questions, I would immediately say that of course you should keep going, that of course it is not too late. But it’s not you, it’s me, and I’m tired of trying to prove to the world, and to myself, that I’m worthy of a chance, that I have what it gets to be who I want to be.
So lately I wish I could be satisfied with the job I have, and just be, read books, let go of this writing, translating life dream. I wish I could accept the life I’ve built for myself till now. But I can’t. I feel a great resistance towards it, because I’ve built it all wrong. I feel like it’s pressing on me, like I’m in a room with no doors and no windows. I want to escape it, but I can’t find the way out. And this is not how I want to feel in my life.
I’ve said it before and it’s worth repeating it here, frustration is a gift. Because it’s the frustration that is making me look for the sledge hammer to break the walls I’ve surrounded myself with, instead of still looking for a door.
So here we go again. Let the hammering begin.
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