When small steps are not enough

On blogging, 100 days of writing and challenging myself to follow my path.

I’m great at beginning things, not that great at finishing them. It’s not about the enthusiasm and shiny new things, it’s all about the doubt. I’d start with all the trust in the project and my ability to do it, but soon the doubt will seep in. Slowly, I will stop believing that this is something I’m able to do. Writing a book, an essay, keeping up with the newsletter or my blog. I’d think that what I have to say is not interesting enough, that nobody wants to read it, that I don’t have a story to tell. I’d look around me and see all those amazing books, stories, people who have so much to offer and think that I’m not one of them. And the thing is, I’m right. I’m not one of them, because they are doing things, probably while doubting themselves in the process, finishing their projects and I’m sitting behind my desk moaning that I can’t get where they are.

The doubt, the fear, it’s keeping me from what I want to do, from who I want to be. It’s the fear of finding out that it’s not my path, even though I had enough people telling me that it is. It’s the doubt in everything I know, in my own story, even though I know people who want to hear it. It’s not about the outside world, it’s about my own conviction that I’m not worthy of any success.

I’ve tried the small steps, where the fear can be fooled that what I’m doing is not that important. I’ve tried the slow approach, where the doubt has the time to adjust. I’ve tried reading positive comments about my work, over and over again. But the book is still not written, my blog is not being updated regularly and I’m starting a newsletter for the fourth time in a couple of years.

So I’ve decided that t’s time for a different approach. It’s time for big steps. Maybe I need big jumps to get where I want to be? Maybe I need some more dares, some quick actions? Maybe I can surprise my feelings and make it impossible for them to catch up?

And so it begins, the 100 days of writing has started today. 100 days to write the very rough draft of what I want to say, 100 days of daily sitting down to the project that I’m trying to write for two years already. 100 days to find my way into it, to figure it out and let the fear and doubt accompany me on the journey, but not let it keep me away from it.

But I’m not stopping there. The daily blogging and writing for competitions is part of the challenge too. I’m going all in. Mornings for the book, afternoons for other work. I need to keep going and sharing my stories. That’s the only way I know to get to the other side.

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I’m curious if you’d consider a 100 days challenge. If yes, what would it be?

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In other news, my summer reading is going well. This is how my book pile looks now (you can see how it was at the beginning of July in my previous letter). I’ve DNF-ed four books, but I’ll get back to them at another time. I’m currently reading Rootbound and Great Circle.